Mouring...

After Ethan passed away, the hospital directed me to several "Infant Loss" support groups online. I tried to be open-minded and searched for another mother who fit my "demographic". I had no success because I suppose not too many young Moms lose their babies. I quickly abandoned that potential outlet and tried to make sense of my feelings by my damn self.

Although I share this grief with John, the pain I feel inside is something only a mother can feel. Other young Moms have sympathized with me, but no one could really empathize with my situation. There's a huge difference and frankly, my isolation pisses me off. Even though I have all of this support, I still feel alone.

I've gotten very good at putting up an "I'm okay" façade. On the outside I appear to be doing well...same old Tiff. I still initiate risqué conversation for chuckles and my spirits seem to be "back to normal". Oh, but I am far from it.

My friends...this is simply my coping mechanism!

I miss my son and still deeply bleed from losing him. My heart feels ripped apart and I don't have very many options to grieve. I don't share my feelings on such a public space for pity. I share because blogging has been the only thing that HAS helped. I revert to things that are familiar (blogging, pretending to be the same) because I have no other choice. This shit hurts, but I have to lie to myself and pretend like it doesn't. If I knew any other way to make it stop hurting, I'd do it.

For now, this will have to suffice.