Faith...

Ethan was my gift. Despite the fact that my son was called to heaven before me, I do not perceive God as an "indian giver". Cynicism has no place in the heart of a person who truly has faith.

As I helplessly watched my son's condition deteriorate, I refused to be angry with God. Though, there were times when I felt like I was staring the devil directly in the face. As we approached Ethan's final day, I could feel the devil testing my faith in God's plan. Yet, I stood firm. Losing Ethan brought me closer to God even though I would have expected the complete opposite. Having my baby in heaven has made me a better person.

I maintained my strength when an elderly gentleman in the hospital laboratory looked me dead in the eye and told me "it didn't matter" that my son was dying. My encounter with that pitiful man in the lab was the first time I became aware of the devil's presence. Although the natural evil inside of me (inside all of us) commanded me pummel him with my fists, I resisted the temptation. I wasn't even angry. I felt sorry for him and openly forgave that man for being so heartless to a mother who was losing her child. The devil walked away. May God bless that horrible man on his judgment day.

I desperately clung onto my faith even though a demon on my shoulder silently urged me to spite God for taking my son back. Ethan was my gift and he was sent down to me with for a reason. There was a purpose to his life. Not once did I look up to the sky and despise God's will for my baby's life. God's plan hurt, but I embraced it. Oh Lord did it hurt to embrace, but.... losing my son will always hurt.

When the day came, my knees didn't buckle when Ethan's spirit left his body. I did not beg for a miracle. I let go and I kept my faith in God. After my sweet Ethan was gone I found myself broken, but repairable. Tears still flow from my eyes, but each tear that I shed helps me see light at the end of this dark tunnel.

I like to think that I've learned a profound lesson about life after my encounter with death. With death, I learned the capacity of my own inner strength. I also learned the extent of my faith in God. By no means am I a straight-laced Catholic. I never was and I never will be. No one is perfect, but I know that maintaining trust in God is what we need to live life successfully. If we allow ourselves to incorporate Him in our lives, the hurdles life throws us will be easier to jump over.

I didn't learn this important lesson until I met and ultimately lost Ethan. Before I was blessed with my gift, I metaphorically placed God on the back burner. God was in my heart, but I did not allow Him into my life. "Life" took over and I found excuses for why I couldn't go to church. I was "too busy" to be with God, but I expected Him to be with me at all times. Even though I knew God was with me always, I didn't honor Him. I should have focused on maintaining my relationship with God. Despite my ignorance, He still stood by me and kept me strong. Wow. God is good and He continues to carry me through my anguish.

I am sharing this with you not because I feel like I am "holier than thou". I chose to share this because I believe Ethan's legacy was to remind me (and to remind those who are near and dear to my heart) that we shouldn't forget about God. I know that Ethan didn't die in vain and because of this I'll continue to adhere to my 2nd chance with God. Ethan was given to me and taken back for a reason. I thank the Lord everyday for my gift, my son.

There is something to be learned from Ethan. Maintain your relationship with God and the rest should come easy. Continue to thank God for whatever gifts He has bestowed upon you. Appreciate everything that He has given you and that includes the struggles you may face. Life is precious.

Cherish every minute of it.