Fun...

For nearly two years I did nothing but spend my days at work, nights at school, and "free time" at home with the kids. Most of you know that the phrase "I'm going out" rarely escaped my mouth thanks to my seven day work week.

After Ethan passed, people convinced me that I should "go out and try to have fun" because I "needed" it. They felt that I deserved to have fun not only because I've struggled for so long, but also because I lost my son. To some degree I agreed and thus I reluctantly obliged.

In the past few weeks I've made some attempts to have conventional fun. I haven't declined invitations for "party time". Although I find myself increasingly capable of slowly moving on, I've still experienced waves of guilt and self doubt.

This Sunday will be two month mark of Ethan's passing. I've gone out to "let loose" three times since Ethan's death. All three times I've thought of Ethan inbetween drinks and giggles. The same two questions continue hit me at the most inappropriate times.

Should I really be going out and having fun? Isn't this a little too soon?

It always happens when I'm in mid-drink and I'm convinced that the echo from within the glass is responsible for bouncing thoughts back to me. Guilt-ridden thoughts come flooding back as I stare at smiling faces through my glass. Like I said, I've gotten very good at putting up a facade. Unfortunately, alcohol can't impair me enough to stop thinking about my baby.

No matter how much I try to drown out my sorrows and "stop thinking", I can't. I don't want to end up being a "weepy drunk" so I limit my intake of "fun". GUI (grieving under the influence) can be a dangerous game. I have to resist the temptation to get fully intoxicated. God forbid I have an "emotional accident" and spoil the fun.

Then again if I allowed myself to "get wasted", at least then I can stop thinking. It's a catch 22 really. Although I'll admit that I do indeed have fun when I'm out, I'm sad at the same time. I should win an Oscar for Best Performance.

Will fun ever be the same again?