've never been a "hardcore Catholic". I "live in sin" for chrissakes so please don't think I've gotten completely "right-wing" all of the sudden. I engage in premarital sex (thank you John!) and for damn sure haven't been a "good Christian girl" my entire life! But....I'll never be the first to pass judgement on people when it comes to their relationship with God and/or the choices they make. Losing Ethan simply made me more aware of God's presence, that's all.
He is everywhere if you open your eyes to it!
I try my very best to include Him in my daily life. I believe the closer I am to God, the closer I am to my son. I want to do everything I possibly can to secure my place in heaven. Ethan died "sin free" and baptized so I KNOW he's in heaven. Although I cannot do a thing to change my sins, I try my best to repent and learn from the mistakes I've made. Meaning, I've already vowed to myself that I will not make the same mistakes again. I'm not perfect, but I like to think God knows I'm trying my best to keep Him present in my life.
Boy, it ain't easy though!
Especially since I didn't grow up in a particularly religious household. I wasn't even Catholic to begin with. My sister and I converted in middle school because we felt "left out" when everyone started attending Confirmation class. Aside from this fact, we also felt "closer to God" when we attended Catholic Mass on random Christmas Eves. Catholicisim just seemed like the right choice and I am sooo happy with our decision.
But, maaan...is it hard to be good!
It's hard to hold my tongue. It's hard to be "Christian" all the time. It's hard to truly forgive. I'm human afterall and shit just pisses me off sometimes. And more times than I'd like to admit, it's hard to completely "brush my shoulders off" when something or someone hurts me. Haha, and I'm embarassed to admit that I actually feel a little guilty for all that premarital sex I mentioned.
Who would have guessed right?! Ms. "Sex Therapist" herself feels bad about sex.
I'm terrified to attend Confession, but I still receive Communion. That is a big no-no my friends! But seriously, if I went to confession now I'd be a hypocrite. There's no way in hell I can give up coitus until John & I finally scrounge up the cash to have a big ass wedding. I really don't know if there is a point to all of this rambling, but I just wanted to share my thoughts for today. But I will say this...
Catholic Radio has had a great deal to do with my recent faith formation and awareness. Seriously, give it a shot.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Awake..
It's nearly 3am and I can't sleep. I've been particularly stressed these past few days thanks to the thousand items I have on my "to do" list. I have SO much going on that I get exhausted just thinking about it. I suspect that is why I haven't been sleeping much.
I am slowly starting to feel a great deal of anxiety building up inside of me. February 20th is just a few short weeks away and I am excited and terrified all at the same time. Niki will be here soon and I'm ecstatic, but 25% still looms over my head.
I've procrastinated on getting ready for this baby because I am afraid she is destined to have the same fate as Ethan.
We won't know whether or not she is FVII Deficient until she is born. I'm delivering vaginally (no more c-section according to the specialists) so naturally, I'm worried about the possibility of a CNS bleed. I'm scared. At the same time I have faith that everything will be alright. I've even purchased a few special novelty items for my daughter, just in case. I know that God and Ethan are watching over us, but I still feel twisted inside. Only God has the final say in His plan. My heart is heavy with anticipation, but I hide it well.
Contrary to popular belief, John and I have NOT "moved on". I fear my current pregnancy might have sent out the wrong message to the general population. Smiling does not mean I've stopped feeling emotional pain. I've simply adapted to my new life and have found ways to meet "normalcy" half way. Niki is not our "replacement baby" nor is she Ethan's reincarnation. She is a gift from God who just so happens to share a significant date with Ethan. Although I do take this coincidence as a sign from Him, the sign itself has not miraculously healed me.
I still yearn for my son everyday and my heart aches just as badly as it did nearly one year ago.
I've survived the chronic pain I feel in my soul thanks to my "immersion technique". This has been my "pain medication", so to speak. Rather than "hide" Ethan away and run from the pain, I've placed him everywhere in my day-to-day life. I visit him every day, his pictures are everywhere, and I talk about him all the time. I've trained my mind to feel like he's still physically here with me. I falter when I am reminded that he is gone.
I weep when I remember that I prepared myself to spend a lifetime with my Ethan, only to have that "life" cut short.
February 20-27th 2008 is important because it is the one week that I will remember for the rest of my life. These were the seven days that God let me borrow an angel. It is a special time and I will celebrate the little advocate I have waiting for me in the clouds. I miss Ethan.
He is irreplaceable and will always hold a special place in my heart.
I am slowly starting to feel a great deal of anxiety building up inside of me. February 20th is just a few short weeks away and I am excited and terrified all at the same time. Niki will be here soon and I'm ecstatic, but 25% still looms over my head.
I've procrastinated on getting ready for this baby because I am afraid she is destined to have the same fate as Ethan.
We won't know whether or not she is FVII Deficient until she is born. I'm delivering vaginally (no more c-section according to the specialists) so naturally, I'm worried about the possibility of a CNS bleed. I'm scared. At the same time I have faith that everything will be alright. I've even purchased a few special novelty items for my daughter, just in case. I know that God and Ethan are watching over us, but I still feel twisted inside. Only God has the final say in His plan. My heart is heavy with anticipation, but I hide it well.
Contrary to popular belief, John and I have NOT "moved on". I fear my current pregnancy might have sent out the wrong message to the general population. Smiling does not mean I've stopped feeling emotional pain. I've simply adapted to my new life and have found ways to meet "normalcy" half way. Niki is not our "replacement baby" nor is she Ethan's reincarnation. She is a gift from God who just so happens to share a significant date with Ethan. Although I do take this coincidence as a sign from Him, the sign itself has not miraculously healed me.
I still yearn for my son everyday and my heart aches just as badly as it did nearly one year ago.
I've survived the chronic pain I feel in my soul thanks to my "immersion technique". This has been my "pain medication", so to speak. Rather than "hide" Ethan away and run from the pain, I've placed him everywhere in my day-to-day life. I visit him every day, his pictures are everywhere, and I talk about him all the time. I've trained my mind to feel like he's still physically here with me. I falter when I am reminded that he is gone.
I weep when I remember that I prepared myself to spend a lifetime with my Ethan, only to have that "life" cut short.
February 20-27th 2008 is important because it is the one week that I will remember for the rest of my life. These were the seven days that God let me borrow an angel. It is a special time and I will celebrate the little advocate I have waiting for me in the clouds. I miss Ethan.
He is irreplaceable and will always hold a special place in my heart.
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