Ladybugs...

I adored ladybugs when I was a little girl. When I was a kid I could catch ladybugs (and butterflies) with my bare hands. This was not an easy task to accomplish since both insects spend a majority of their time flying. Catching bugs was an unusual talent (admittedly kinda weird), but I was quite proud of it. As a child I was infamous for displaying my catch in empty Goober & Grape jars. I used to think that they were so pretty and "owning one", even if only for a short while, made me feel like I had my own little slice of heaven.

I lost interest in bugs as I got older. My definition of beauty changed and insects were not on that list. As womanhood steadily approached, ladybugs slowly entered extinction in my little world. Ladybugs are tiny creatures and I simply stopped noticing them as I lost interest in bug catching. Like most pre-teen girls, I started to spend less time outside and more time indoors listening to love songs & thinking of boys. After all these years, ladybugs have slowly started to reappear from "extinction". They have re-entered my world.

This might sound strange, but I'm convinced Ethan has something to do with it. Let me reiterate – ladybugs are TINY – so I find it very odd that I'm seeing them everywhere these days. For some reason, the ladies are always within arms each. I haven't been "catching them", but we've started to develop a relationship again.

They fly to me.

I've had a ladybug hang out on my hand on three separate occasions at the cemetery. (Including today.) So maybe, just maybe, my son is trying to give me a little slice of heaven again. I don't know. Or perhaps my eyes just see differently now. The darkness of death has shed light on how beautiful life is. The purity of nature has a different meaning to me. Appreciating it has makes me feel closer to God and in turn, makes me feel closer to my son.

Perhaps the ladybugs are there to remind me that I should allow myself to relive my innocence once more. I spend so much time "growing up" that maybe I have to allow myself to "be a kid" sometimes. Life is too short to be so serious all the time.

Then again, maybe they're just bugs & I have to stop finding a "meaning to things" all the freaking time. I have no clue.

If only there were answers to all of life's mysteries.