Two more weeks to go...Ethan's birthday is almost here.

I'm starting to feel sorrow close in on my heart as the days draw nearer to February 20th. I've missed Ethan terribly these past few days. I feel the same ache I felt when I smelled his scent for the first time. My arms are "heavy" with emptiness again.

I just want to hold my boy on his birthday.

I've comforted myself with the idea that celebrating a birthday in heaven is waaaay better than any party John and I would have thrown him. Ethan is lucky ...clouds, angels, and God...what's not to like right?! But still...he's my child and I wanted to see him devour his first birthday cake just like Kev and Boo did.

I had a game plan for my life with my son, ya know? This was one of the silly things I wanted to remember in my old age. There were pictures I wanted to take. Memories I wanted to retain. This was a  moment in time that  wasn't meant to be. I would have NEVER guessed in a million years and...

it hurts.