've never been a "hardcore Catholic". I "live in sin" for chrissakes so please don't think I've gotten completely "right-wing" all of the sudden. I engage in premarital sex (thank you John!) and for damn sure haven't been a "good Christian girl" my entire life! But....I'll never be the first to pass judgement on people when it comes to their relationship with God and/or the choices they make. Losing Ethan simply made me more aware of God's presence, that's all.
He is everywhere if you open your eyes to it!
I try my very best to include Him in my daily life. I believe the closer I am to God, the closer I am to my son. I want to do everything I possibly can to secure my place in heaven. Ethan died "sin free" and baptized so I KNOW he's in heaven. Although I cannot do a thing to change my sins, I try my best to repent and learn from the mistakes I've made. Meaning, I've already vowed to myself that I will not make the same mistakes again. I'm not perfect, but I like to think God knows I'm trying my best to keep Him present in my life.
Boy, it ain't easy though!
Especially since I didn't grow up in a particularly religious household. I wasn't even Catholic to begin with. My sister and I converted in middle school because we felt "left out" when everyone started attending Confirmation class. Aside from this fact, we also felt "closer to God" when we attended Catholic Mass on random Christmas Eves. Catholicisim just seemed like the right choice and I am sooo happy with our decision.
But, maaan...is it hard to be good!
It's hard to hold my tongue. It's hard to be "Christian" all the time. It's hard to truly forgive. I'm human afterall and shit just pisses me off sometimes. And more times than I'd like to admit, it's hard to completely "brush my shoulders off" when something or someone hurts me. Haha, and I'm embarassed to admit that I actually feel a little guilty for all that premarital sex I mentioned.
Who would have guessed right?! Ms. "Sex Therapist" herself feels bad about sex.
I'm terrified to attend Confession, but I still receive Communion. That is a big no-no my friends! But seriously, if I went to confession now I'd be a hypocrite. There's no way in hell I can give up coitus until John & I finally scrounge up the cash to have a big ass wedding. I really don't know if there is a point to all of this rambling, but I just wanted to share my thoughts for today. But I will say this...
Catholic Radio has had a great deal to do with my recent faith formation and awareness. Seriously, give it a shot.
No comments:
Post a Comment