Life…it's so different now. Losing Ethan is "well with my soul", but naturally I continue to feel pain. I must admit….I've been an emotional wreck this week. I've learned to hide it well.
Did I ever mention that my coworker and I lost our "babies" at the same time? Her daughter was in her early 30's when she passed away on March 4th - the same day as Ethan's funeral. (Ironically, her daughter and Ethan share the same birthday – February 20th. )
The other day we "checked in" with each other to see how we were both doing. I was amazed to learn that we are experiencing the same physiological effects of grief. She and I are plagued with sleeplessness, stress pains, and unexpected tears. I never had the opportunity to shed tears with another mother who lost her child and it was oddly comforting. Even though we were at work, our brief conversation gave me comfort. Unbeknownst to her, she made me stop feeling "silly" about missing my son.
Believe it or not, I've heard this phrase about a dozen times over the past few months…
"At least you didn't get too attached since he was just a baby."
Over the past few months, this phrase has secretly haunted me. It had me asking myself…
Was I supposed to get over this quicker?
I'm sure these people meant well and I'm not angry that it was said. But…for a while there I was wondering if I was indeed being "O.A." for being so sad. My thoughts changed after the moment I shared with my coworker. She brought up an interesting point during our conversation – we live for our children.
It doesn't matter if Ethan was "only" here for seven days or seventy years, he was still my child - my flesh and blood! Why would I not get attached? I love Ethan as deeply as I love Kevin and Anthony. But…he will never be in my arms again. No kissing boo-boos, sharing laughs, giving advice, or even scolding. Those moments were never meant to be.
It hurts to love someone so much and not be able to share that love with them any longer. I ache inside every day.
Fighting back tears with my coworker gave me a sense of solidarity. I stopped second guessing my thoughts after my conversation with her. It's not natural to outlive your children, period. My grief is real and equal to someone who had the opportunity to "know" their child. My sorrow is not any easier to cope with just because he was "only" here for seven days. I learned that we're both trying to figure out how to function amongst our pain. Our "babies" are gone. Life goes on, but the hurt will never go away. We must live the rest of our lives with this fact.
God will give me the strength to be at peace with this new life.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Interesting...
Taken from my 12/31/07 myspace blog:
"The birth of my third son is supposed to be a good sign. My grandma told me Christmas Day that my third boy will mean that I'll have "Three Kings", my very own little magi! My three boys are supposed to bring me closer to God."
I told you it was interesting. God works in mysterious ways doesn't He? My third son definitely brought me closer to God. This has made me whole-heartedly believe that Ethan's passing was part of God's plan. It made me stop thinking about whether or not there were other possibilities. Although I've never been angry with God for Ethan's passing, my faith has confused me in the past few weeks. Sometimes I wasn't sure if I believed what I believed in. Does that make sense? I suppose this stems back to the fact that I've been approached by people from other faiths. Their theories on death had me question my own.
After I finished reading the excerpt from my blog, I instantly felt better about what I believe in. I feel terrible that I even started to question myself in the first place. Ethan received the sacraments of Baptism and Confirmation before he passed. He did not go to "limbo". I spoke with two seperate priests from two seperate parishes who assured me that Ethan would be "allowed" into heaven despite the fact that he was born out of wedlock. Why would he punished for my sins? My God is a loving God and my son is in heaven with Him. Ethan was always meant to be in heaven with God. That was the plan from the moment he was conceived. It was written in my very own words...
"My three boys are supposed to bring me closer to God."
That's exactly what happened. Ethan made my "three" possible.
"The birth of my third son is supposed to be a good sign. My grandma told me Christmas Day that my third boy will mean that I'll have "Three Kings", my very own little magi! My three boys are supposed to bring me closer to God."
I told you it was interesting. God works in mysterious ways doesn't He? My third son definitely brought me closer to God. This has made me whole-heartedly believe that Ethan's passing was part of God's plan. It made me stop thinking about whether or not there were other possibilities. Although I've never been angry with God for Ethan's passing, my faith has confused me in the past few weeks. Sometimes I wasn't sure if I believed what I believed in. Does that make sense? I suppose this stems back to the fact that I've been approached by people from other faiths. Their theories on death had me question my own.
After I finished reading the excerpt from my blog, I instantly felt better about what I believe in. I feel terrible that I even started to question myself in the first place. Ethan received the sacraments of Baptism and Confirmation before he passed. He did not go to "limbo". I spoke with two seperate priests from two seperate parishes who assured me that Ethan would be "allowed" into heaven despite the fact that he was born out of wedlock. Why would he punished for my sins? My God is a loving God and my son is in heaven with Him. Ethan was always meant to be in heaven with God. That was the plan from the moment he was conceived. It was written in my very own words...
"My three boys are supposed to bring me closer to God."
That's exactly what happened. Ethan made my "three" possible.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mother’s Day...
Mother's Day is tomorrow and I have work. (Well…at least only until 3pm anyway.)
I suppose Mother's Day isn't going to be too bad. Of course it could have been a billion times better if Ethan was still here but, I work with what God has given me.
After work I plan on spending some time with the boys at the cemetery.
I was terrified of the cemetery as a child and I'm glad the boys aren't afraid. Holy Cross has become somewhat of a refuge for our little family. The kids play as if we were at a park and that's fine by me. I don't ever want them to feel sadness over losing their little brother. John and I plan on making Ethan a part of our lives always. After "family time" at the cemetery, John and I are heading off to the Arco Arena to watch Alicia Keys. Most of you already know why, but I'm pretty sure we're going to bawl like babies once she starts performing.
I've been especially weepy these past few days. Our very good friends had their second child two weeks ago and we went to visit them yesterday. I hadn't seen their little girl yet and I thought I was ready to be around a newborn again. John already saw her and he was fine. I figured I would be okay too. Then again, he is a guy so he's had years of training in his ability to hold back his emotions. After holding her for about 30 seconds I started to feel my eyes burn. I fought desperately to hold back my tears and quickly gave her back to her Mommy.
That new baby smell gets me all the time. She was beautiful and holding her made me miss my son terribly. I forgot what it felt like to hold a baby and I felt horrible.
Shouldn't these memories still be fresh in my head?
Before we buried Ethan I spent most of my time next to his casket. I wanted to absorb every single thing about him.
Has time erased the small details already?
I hope not and I refuse to let it happen. I think this means it's time for me to watch our home videos again.
I suppose Mother's Day isn't going to be too bad. Of course it could have been a billion times better if Ethan was still here but, I work with what God has given me.
After work I plan on spending some time with the boys at the cemetery.
I was terrified of the cemetery as a child and I'm glad the boys aren't afraid. Holy Cross has become somewhat of a refuge for our little family. The kids play as if we were at a park and that's fine by me. I don't ever want them to feel sadness over losing their little brother. John and I plan on making Ethan a part of our lives always. After "family time" at the cemetery, John and I are heading off to the Arco Arena to watch Alicia Keys. Most of you already know why, but I'm pretty sure we're going to bawl like babies once she starts performing.
I've been especially weepy these past few days. Our very good friends had their second child two weeks ago and we went to visit them yesterday. I hadn't seen their little girl yet and I thought I was ready to be around a newborn again. John already saw her and he was fine. I figured I would be okay too. Then again, he is a guy so he's had years of training in his ability to hold back his emotions. After holding her for about 30 seconds I started to feel my eyes burn. I fought desperately to hold back my tears and quickly gave her back to her Mommy.
That new baby smell gets me all the time. She was beautiful and holding her made me miss my son terribly. I forgot what it felt like to hold a baby and I felt horrible.
Shouldn't these memories still be fresh in my head?
Before we buried Ethan I spent most of my time next to his casket. I wanted to absorb every single thing about him.
Has time erased the small details already?
I hope not and I refuse to let it happen. I think this means it's time for me to watch our home videos again.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Ladybugs...
I adored ladybugs when I was a little girl. When I was a kid I could catch ladybugs (and butterflies) with my bare hands. This was not an easy task to accomplish since both insects spend a majority of their time flying. Catching bugs was an unusual talent (admittedly kinda weird), but I was quite proud of it. As a child I was infamous for displaying my catch in empty Goober & Grape jars. I used to think that they were so pretty and "owning one", even if only for a short while, made me feel like I had my own little slice of heaven.
I lost interest in bugs as I got older. My definition of beauty changed and insects were not on that list. As womanhood steadily approached, ladybugs slowly entered extinction in my little world. Ladybugs are tiny creatures and I simply stopped noticing them as I lost interest in bug catching. Like most pre-teen girls, I started to spend less time outside and more time indoors listening to love songs & thinking of boys. After all these years, ladybugs have slowly started to reappear from "extinction". They have re-entered my world.
This might sound strange, but I'm convinced Ethan has something to do with it. Let me reiterate – ladybugs are TINY – so I find it very odd that I'm seeing them everywhere these days. For some reason, the ladies are always within arms each. I haven't been "catching them", but we've started to develop a relationship again.
They fly to me.
I've had a ladybug hang out on my hand on three separate occasions at the cemetery. (Including today.) So maybe, just maybe, my son is trying to give me a little slice of heaven again. I don't know. Or perhaps my eyes just see differently now. The darkness of death has shed light on how beautiful life is. The purity of nature has a different meaning to me. Appreciating it has makes me feel closer to God and in turn, makes me feel closer to my son.
Perhaps the ladybugs are there to remind me that I should allow myself to relive my innocence once more. I spend so much time "growing up" that maybe I have to allow myself to "be a kid" sometimes. Life is too short to be so serious all the time.
Then again, maybe they're just bugs & I have to stop finding a "meaning to things" all the freaking time. I have no clue.
If only there were answers to all of life's mysteries.
I lost interest in bugs as I got older. My definition of beauty changed and insects were not on that list. As womanhood steadily approached, ladybugs slowly entered extinction in my little world. Ladybugs are tiny creatures and I simply stopped noticing them as I lost interest in bug catching. Like most pre-teen girls, I started to spend less time outside and more time indoors listening to love songs & thinking of boys. After all these years, ladybugs have slowly started to reappear from "extinction". They have re-entered my world.
This might sound strange, but I'm convinced Ethan has something to do with it. Let me reiterate – ladybugs are TINY – so I find it very odd that I'm seeing them everywhere these days. For some reason, the ladies are always within arms each. I haven't been "catching them", but we've started to develop a relationship again.
They fly to me.
I've had a ladybug hang out on my hand on three separate occasions at the cemetery. (Including today.) So maybe, just maybe, my son is trying to give me a little slice of heaven again. I don't know. Or perhaps my eyes just see differently now. The darkness of death has shed light on how beautiful life is. The purity of nature has a different meaning to me. Appreciating it has makes me feel closer to God and in turn, makes me feel closer to my son.
Perhaps the ladybugs are there to remind me that I should allow myself to relive my innocence once more. I spend so much time "growing up" that maybe I have to allow myself to "be a kid" sometimes. Life is too short to be so serious all the time.
Then again, maybe they're just bugs & I have to stop finding a "meaning to things" all the freaking time. I have no clue.
If only there were answers to all of life's mysteries.
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