Untitled...

I've tried hard to get my feelings straight, but it's just not happening as quickly as I want it to. I know my strength is still there, but I can't deny the fact that my grief is worse now that I can't physically see Ethan anymore. I miss him and it confuses me sometimes. I'm hurting, but I'm at peace with where my son is. He is far better off in God's hands than my own. Heaven is a far prettier place than Earth.

I know this, but it still hurts.

My body is healing from childbirth and I'm still producing milk. Physically I feel like I have a baby, but my arms are still empty. Even though I know Ethan will always be with me, my heart aches because I still feel like I'm missing something. I don't understand how it's possible to miss someone that is essentially still around in spirit. I know he is with me, but I miss feeling his presence physically. I miss his sweet smell and his soft skin. I miss holding him and kissing his tiny lips. I hate that my arms feel so barren even though I feel his spirit inside of me.

I suppose it's because I continue to dwell on the fact that I'll never get to "mother" Ethan ever again. It hurts, but I also know that the heartache that I feel, the pain of not being able to "mother" my son anymore, is a worldly ache.

Ethan will always be my son in this life and in the next. I find comfort in that fact. I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to be his Mom at all. Ethan was so special that there was a 1:500,000 chance behind his uniqueness. God chose him to be mine even if it was only for a short while. I consider myself very lucky in that retrospect.

I just miss my baby, that's all.