Sick...

Sick...

I've been in and out of the hospital since the 21st.

Life officially sucks, but then again…things could have been worse. Ethan's death is by far the WORST that my life is ever going to get. Any struggles I face now or may face in the future are minor compared to the experience of losing Ethan. I suppose life is easier to deal with if I view it in the retrospect, ya know? My health isn't the greatest, but hey…I'm alive right!

Thanks to the heat wave and all of these lovely Cali fires, my birthday week didn't pan out according to plan. My celebration on the 21st was cut short by my asthma attack. I was already feeling the chest tightness at Showgirls, but I was still able to maintain. I didn't want to be a party pooper and miss my own shindig so I kept puffing away on my Albuterol instead. Was this stupid? Maybe, but understandable right?

Eventually my rescue inhaler stopped working for me and we had to leave Butterfly less than two hours after we got there. My asthma attack made me feel like I rained on everyone's parade that night. Loveleen and Melissa followed me after I ran outside for air. They stayed with me to make sure I was okay. (Special thank you to you both!!!) And I felt really bad because Tik, Din, Hen, & Sandy had to leave with us since we all drove together. Nobody complained, but still….I felt bad.

Anyway, John hauled ass on the freeway back to Daly City since Kaiser was located all the way across town. My tightness got progressively worse and I couldn't make it to Kaiser SSF. John took me to Seton instead. After the nursing staff stopped lollygagging and got their shit together, I had about five breathing treatments and I still didn't feel right. My chest was still tight and I was starting to panic. They knocked me out and when I woke up I was on a breathing machine!!! They couldn't intubate me because of my pregnancy (yes, I'm pregnant) so the BiPap machine was the next best option. The BiPap did my breathing for me and forced air in and out of my lungs without sedating me. Sedation associated with intubation is dangerous for babies. (Especially really teeny-tiny ones like the one my belly. More on that later…)

Seton kept me for about two days because I wasn't stable enough for transport. They finally got me out of that urine smelling room and sent my back to Kaiser. I stayed another day at Kaiser and they sent my home on the 24th. I was better, but mos def not fixed. What a weekend!!!

Flash forward to my real birthday on the 26th. My asthma was fine since the doctor wanted me to rest a bit before I returned back to work. I was starting to feel better! I even volunteered at Kevin's school that day since it was his special day too. Later that evening John took me to Bella Vista in Woodside for a surprise birthday dinner. My birthday was pretty good. At around midnight I started to have severe abdominal pain and quickly felt my throat tighten up. My asthma kicked in and my eyes became watery. Within less than five minutes from the onset of my abd pain, my fingers were blue and John had to call 911. South City fire came and gave me an epinephrine shot, but I don't recall much after that. I thought I was going to die and I'm not saying this to be mellow dramatic either. My chest got tight very quick and I started saying Our Father in my head. I looked at Ethan's picture on the mantle and told him to keep me safe. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

I must've passed out because when I woke up I was at Kaiser SSF back on the BiPap again. They were doing an ultrasound to make sure the baby was okay and I was completely stripped of my clothing. I must have woke up from the draft. There were two familiar faces staring back at me when I regained consciousness. Two of the nurses who saw Ethan that horrible night in the Emergency room were with me again. Maybe it was a sign? Who knows…

For five years now I've had a condition that my specialist couldn't figure out. I have to carry an epipen with me everywhere I go. These "allergic reactions" always start with abdominal pain and my breathing deteriorates rapidly. This was the 3rd episode that was bad enough for 911 to be called. The first bad one was one month after Kevin was born and the second was one year later at a camping trip @ Lake Berryessa. I lose control so quickly that I am not capable of dialing 911 myself. I have several minor episodes too over the years, but I've been able to maintain with my rescue inhalers and or a quick drive to the ER. For the past five years though I've walked on eggshells and hoped that nothing bad would happen if I were ever alone with the kids. My doctors didn't really investigate, until now.

Well, I guess this must have been a wake up call for Kaiser since this was the first time they saw my immediately after my attack. (The first two times I was seen by other hospitals.) This episode has become somewhat of a blessing because I got hooked up with a really good doctor. When I was finally off of the breathing machine I had to opportunity to speak with him about my symptoms. He suspects my body might be reacting from a histamine release. They did tests to see if I have non-cancerous tumors in my belly. The tumors could release the histamine and create the "allergic reaction" that I've had to tiptoe around all these years. I had all kinds of specialty tests run on me during my two day stay in the ICU and I'll find out the results next week. What a birthday huh?

I was released from the hospital today and I'm finally home. I feel better now that I know they're doing everything they possibly can to figure this shit out. If my "allergic reactions" are caused by tumors, all they have to do is take them out. (After I give birth of course!) Then I'll never have to deal with this shit again. So even though life sucks right now cuz I'm not getting paid for my two weeks of sick leave (I exhausted my paid sick leave when I lost Ethan), there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Life could be worse, ya know? I'm still here. My health issue is finally being addressed. And my baby is fine.

Thank you God & thank you Ethan.